Healing is not linear

Healing is not linear. Some days are okay while others are a roller coaster of emotions and set backs. Sometimes I have to remind myself that it’s okay to just stop and rest when it feels like the weight of the world is coming down on me. Lately, I’ve had to remind the people closest to me about me, about the way I move, and about my heart. “I’m not like you. I can’t fake turn up when there’s a hell inside of my head. I cannot mask pain, I can’t avoid the healing post trauma. Heart break is not an area in which my vices can save me, I will just end up in the same place again. So, no I don’t want to go to a club, or a bar for a drink. I can’t act like everything is okay when it’s not right now.” Most of my life I’ve been surrounded by people I have to pretend to be something I’m not around, to pretend I’m happy to be around, people who suppress my feelings, people I have to explain myself to - and I am so tired of having to explain myself. At this point in my life, I had no clue that I would be this tested by everyone. You would think that the older people get, the wiser they’d be - the more they'd understand. Lately, I’ve been too exhausted to blend in, too tired of telling people about themselves and how they act, and definitely too tired of apologizing for the need of space during this transition. It would be nice if people just understood sometimes. To heal is a process. Recovery doesn’t happen overnight, and everyone recovers differently. Sometimes people don’t quite understand that its okay to be apart from the people we love the most. I wish they wouldn’t take it so offensively though. Sometimes it’s okay to take a break from people you love, who take advantage of you because they don’t love you in the same way. So you can keep your cigarettes and whiskey, your nights at the club, and whatever flavour of the week ends up under your sheets this time around. Right now I’d just rather be alone than with people who really don’t understand me.