The reason I'm single

People ask me all the time, "how is a girl like you single?" 

Well, they don't have the time to sit there while I give them a lengthy explanation. 

Over the years I have grown to be quite observing, realizing that simple minds want simple answers.

And simple people, think that I am the same. But our voices are not the same, our intentions are not the same, and our burdens definitely do not weigh the same. My mind is a rainbow, and sometime's it proves difficult to explain. The world may mistaken me for simple, but I find no comfort in meaningless relationships. I prefer sitting in silence with someone than shallow small talk. So to save everyone some time from sliding in my DM'S and trying to engage in simple conversation with me, I thought I'd write about it.

I've lost the people closest to me that meant the world, and had people who claimed to have loved me, abandon me. I am nothing more than the result of grief. When you lose precious years of your life to people who did not value you, the self-reflection process changes you. Although it has become a learning process, a slow one at that, I now know who's worthy of my time. I know, I know, I know.

The people who are easily able to let go, often wonder why I'm so crippled by endings, why I resisted good-byes and why I clung to a state of hope, if I’m so use to it by now. Though I’m constantly experiencing loss, it doesn't matter how independent I am, it doesn't matter how strong people think it has made me, I'm tired of picking up broken pieces all the time. I'm tired of giving my heart to people that are so reckless with it. I'm tired of being the 'practice chick' - the girl that my ex's learn a valuable lesson from, and then go off and be this great fucking guy for someone else. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad they have learned their lesson, I'm just tired of being the one they learn from. I'm a human being, and I'm tired of dealing with loss. I was never made for eternal endings. I'm tired of experiencing loss in so many different ways, but the most painful of them all was losing myself. Had I know that the terms of my exes' love meant that I would lose myself, I would have done anything in my power to avoid them. Rather than helping me heal, they just created more pain. Rather than helping me grow, they made me feel small. Rather than embracing my pain, they suppressed my grief. After being with people who constantly hurt me, I kind of just stopped believing in people. The guys that slide into my DM's are all the same. I know how they are, I know their type. I know what they want from me. It is the same shallow small talk. “Do you have a man?” “Your ass is phat, let me be your man!” I know how they would act in a relationship by how they talk, by how they approach me, and it is a constant reminder why being alone feels the most comfortable to me. One day I will give my whole being to someone again, but it will take someone whose presence fills me with love, greater than my own. Until then, I have found peace of mind knowing that no one is able to hurt me while I’m allowing myself to grow in peace, alone. 

So why am I single you ask? Because I am a girl whose pen holds an infinite stream of happiness within her ink, and I do not intend to write another love story that ends.