Excerpt 25 'Did I lose you?'

I'd be lying if I said I'm not scared to end up alone!

I mean, it’s hard to forget someone you care about, because when you’ve built a home out of someone, that kind of connection never goes away. It stays with you whether they leave or not. I think the hardest part of losing someone isn’t having to say goodbye, but rather learning how to live without them. Always trying to fill the void, the emptiness that’s left inside your heart when they go. Once you have given someone all of your love, your tears and your dreams, it’s kind of hard to believe in people again. Then you start to question if another person can love you the way someone else had made you believe. Like if someone is going to notice the little things that others had noticed about you? Like if someone buys me food and expects me to eat it, not knowing I have to be in a certain mood. Or if someone will appreciate the way I mumble, instead they will just ask me to speak up. If someone will think that just holding my face is beautiful, just like he had. They’ll see many knots in my hair and think my god that’s a mess, meanwhile he didn’t care. They’ll notice that I wear the same few t-shirts over and over again and probably pick on me for it, but it didn’t matter to him. Or the fact that I practically stole his whole wardrobe, and made a joke out of it, rather than getting angry. The smell of my skin that he loved. I don’t want someone else’s lips where his use to be, or someone else’s hands in places that his went which he placed so delicately and perfectly. Someone hearing my god-awful singing or get to experience my hood playlist and hear me rap to every song. Seeing me at 8am when I’m all natural, bright eyed and bushy tailed. They won’t know where my scars came from or why I flinch every time someone moves towards me. I don’t think they’ll notice the way I smile even when I need a break during my weak moments. Or how tiny I am, and how small my hands and feet are, and how cute he thought that was. I don’t think anyone will know me the way he did. Because I was his little girl. I guess he didn’t appreciate those qualities about me enough to stay faithful.