Excerpt 31 'Letting go'

When did words and promises become so empty to him? He was always one for such deep and intellectual thoughts. I remember being completely enamored by everything he’s ever said. He spoke with such grace and beauty towards me, even when he was in the silliest of moods. He cried and wept into my shoulder and begged me to never let him go. And I promised him I wouldn’t. But it all came up empty. He lied to me. Over and over and over again. It still hits me hard sometimes. Too hard. I’m in a much better place and I don’t crash into these thoughts often but when I do, they hit so damn hard. I remember the things he used to say to me sometimes about how he felt about me and what I meant to him and now I find myself wondering how I believed every single word that came out of his mouth all those months. How did I manage to become so blinded and infatuated that I believed all of it? That phone call, the few minutes before, that entire day…were you thinking about yourself only? Did I cross your mind for even a second? That maybe this isn’t the right thing to do…or at least the right way? Did you even consider think that your words and actions have consequences? Not just for you but for me too? Did you know that I would cry myself to sleep and wake up feeling sick to my stomach? Did you know that I would stop eating? Or that I barely spoke to anyone for a month because I couldn’t bear the thought of anyone hearing my cracked voice? I haven’t thought about all of this in weeks. But the exhaustion is hitting and that’s when the sadness hits as well. The confusion. The guilt. The pain. It still lingers from time to time. The lingering pain is because of how far I let him get inside my mind. He infiltrated every single aspect of my life and it was all a lie and I just watched while it destroyed me. I watched while he destroyed me.